How I Learned to Finish What I Start
A story of identifying the roots of my procrastination in old family dynamics.
If you’re like me, you often find yourself buried under a mountain of unfinished tasks and projects.
It feels like running on a hamster wheel. A lot of energy. No real progress.
Even this newsletter is something I’ve been putting off for too long.
Why? It has a lot to do with my family dynamics.
You’ll understand as you continue reading.
I’m a maker at heart. I love creating things. Mostly digital - apps, products, visuals, UIs - cause that’s been my career for the last ten, fifteen years.
But like any other creator out there, I get easily distracted by shiny new toys. Or ”shiny-new” ideas.
That excitement whenever a new idea pops in my head, in a way that dismantles any doubt, makes me go “THIS IS IT!” and drop any other thing I have going on.
But as soon as I get that idea of anything that resembles a “finished” milestone, a new one pops in - “THIS IS IT!” - and the cycle barely breaks.
Underlying Issues
My wife has ADHD and she struggles with it every day. Finishing tasks, staying focused, and procrastinating, are some of her daily battles.
Seeing her, I thought I had it too. I don’t. At least, not the chronic type.
The problem usually runs deeper than mere distraction, lack of discipline, or lack of focus.
I found out that these are deeply rooted in older childhood dynamics and I know for sure I’m not the only one.
The majority of people are living their lives driven by fear.
While it can be a powerful motivator, for most is that crippling feeling keeping them in the same spot for years or decades. You know - The “comfort” zone.
But that sense of fulfilment we’re all looking to reach is right after we cross the fear hill.
Fear is not good or bad. It just is. We give it meaning through our filters and past experiences.
I realized that my procrastination and perfectionism come from 3 fear factors: fear of failure, fear of success, and fear of abandonment.
All have had an impact on my life in one way or another.
Fear of Failure
I grew up in a small city, where everyone knows everyone, and your reputation precedes you. To this day, the phrase “What will people say?” still dictates how most people make life choices in my country. It’s a phrase still deeply ingrained in the Romanian culture, but most certain in other cultures as well.
Growing up always hearing that phrase plus constant peer comparison sprinkled with critics each time you do less than great, you start to develop what’s called perfectionism.
I’ve struggled with perfectionism since my teenage years. Hell, I wore it as a badge of honour until my late twenties.
As a perfectionist, failure isn’t an option.
At the age of 14, I discovered the fascinating world of programming (and broadband internet). My whole world flipped upside down and my life changed. This was back in 2004.
After one year, I sold my first piece of software for 50 bucks, 2 pizzas, and an internet cafe long night. After all, what I've built and sold was an internet cafe management software for one of them in my town (where I spent most of my time after school). Those places were swarming with people back then.
My first glimpse of making money from something I created sparked something inside me.
I was ecstatic. My parents were not.
In their eyes, I was going off-track from what they’ve known and what society implies you should do with your life.
This new obsession had pulled away my interest from school and my grades started to reflect that. As I was dwelling on it, my parents started criticizing my new passion and comparing me with my peers (and friends) who were doing better in school. My dad’s side of the family is a mixture of academics, teachers, and white-collar workers. For them, reputation in my small town is sacred. “Our name in this town has resonance. Whatever you do, don’t make a fool out of us” is something I heard all my life.
The constant criticism and comparison throughout the years had built up the perfectionism inside me.
I learned that love equals appreciation and you only get it when you are great in school, get awards, and build up social status.
This became part of my identity, a voice inside that constantly tells me: “There’s no place for failure. You better do great, perfect so you can be appreciated (i.e. loved). Otherwise, you’re not worthy.”
At least, that’s what my therapist tells me…
Fear of Success
“Our deepest Fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.” - Marianne Williamson
My journey to “success” started with road bumps. I dropped out of college in 2011, which of course was a huge disappointment for my family and their sacred reputation (more on this later). But I’ve managed to climb the job ladder year-over-year until I got to a sustainable mid-upper-class lifestyle.
Fast-forward 10 years later, in my late twenties, I was in a very good place, some would say.
A high-paying job as a software developer, a 10-year-old relationship with my high-school sweetheart, nice vacations, a lot of friends, and a very active social life. What more could a young guy in his 20s want, right?
Finally, I was a success for my family, right?
Parents think they want what’s best for their kids, when in fact they want their kids to be what’s best for them.
Over the years, this perceived success turned into a sort of envy.
They became jealous of the vacations I was having, the social events I was joining, the privileged job I had and the money I was making. Overall, in my lifestyle. I've outshined them.
I finally proved them wrong, but the inner conflict did not stop.
Back then, my mind perceived their behaviour like this - too much success would move me away from my family, and I need their validation.
This only made my inner conflict stronger between what I’ve always dreamt of and what would happen if I chased that dream.
There was a new voice inside my head: “What would happen if I started my own business and became even more successful?”. Of course, that success is not guaranteed, but that’s a story for another time.
So for years, part of my half-assed actions was actually a gridlock to not get too successful and outshine my family.
At least, that’s what my therapist tells me…
Fear of Abandonment
Probably the most powerful fear in any of us, yet tough to identify, is the fear of abandonment.
This recently resurfaced for me. It has strong connections with the other two above but it’s the one most correlated with family dynamics.
For me (and many others I know) this acted out as the Nice Guy Syndrome for most of my life.
I was a major people pleaser from the sheer need for everyone to like me.
I’ve had a few major life moments in which I’ve felt abandoned by the closest people.
One of the most impactful moments was in 2011 when I dropped out of college, cause I’ve “failed” my first year. This is the road bump in my journey I mentioned earlier.
When I say fail, I mean not having enough credits to stay in a tax-free spot, which meant I could’ve continued my college journey but I had to pay yearly taxes the coming second year (around 700EUR in today’s money).
But for my parents, this was the biggest disappointment. Not because they couldn’t afford it (cause they could), but because “what would people say” now that their oldest has ruined his future?
Their response was to let me handle it myself. In their rational mind, they were teaching me a lesson (and protecting their reputation by not approving my "misbehaviour"). Emotionally, I felt abandoned when I needed them the most.
Nineteen-year-old kid with no job, I couldn’t afford to pay for college, so I dropped out and moved back home.
For the next year, I got a job in a factory, where my dad’s been working for the past 25 years. With the small money I was making monthly, I took a year-long online programming course at the end of which I got a certified programmer’s degree.
Ironically, I already knew all the material from the program cause I’ve been self-teaching myself since the age of 14, but back then nobody was hiring you without a degree. Good ol’ times.
“Your future is in this factory now”, my dad told me at some point. “Don’t screw this up also. You won’t get a job like this ”. And he was right. I never did get a job like that anymore.
I made it my mission to always outgrow my situation and prove him wrong. I quit that factory job after 4 months in favour of another (factory) better-paid job and a year later I left home for good to pursue something else. After 1 year I got my first programming job (with skills, not degrees).
The most impactful aspect of this whole back-home experience is how my family treated me - like I don’t exist. Complete ignorance for a full year although we were living in the same house. That was their punishment for the shame I had brought upon them and their sacred reputation in our small town.
That year was one of the most impactful years of my life and that feeling of abandonment dictated the rest of my life.
The feeling of not being worthy of their attention and affection, all because “I’ve failed my future”, from their perspective.
At least, that’s what my therapist tells me…
The Pain Points
The pain points associated with these fears are varied but almost universally recognizable.
Fear of failure can lead to avoidance behaviour, self-sabotage, and impostor syndrome. It’s that nagging voice in your head telling you: “You’re not good enough, so why even try?”. It’s a paralyzing voice, that can prevent you from taking risks or putting yourself out there.
Fear of success, on the other hand, is more insidious.
It’s the worry that achieving your goals will somehow alienate you from those you care about or bring about unwanted changes in your life.
This fear can make you hold back, never quite giving your all, because deep down you’re afraid of what success might mean.
Lastly, the fear of abandonment is the most personal and painful. It’s the dread of being left behind or ignored, stemming from past experiences where you felt unloved or unworthy.
This fear can turn you into a people-pleaser, constantly seeking validation and approval from others, often at the expense of your own happiness and growth.
The Path to a Solution
As Henry Ford said: ”Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently.”
If you find yourself procrastinating, starting many things but finishing none, look no further than your fears. They hold the key to unlock your potential.
Start by identifying which fear resonates most with you.
Is it the fear of failure that’s stopping you from taking the first step? Or is it the fear of success, keeping you in a safe but unfulfilling routine? Maybe it’s the fear of abandonment that’s driving you to overcommit and people-please.
Once you’ve pinpointed the fear, confront it head-on.
It’s the only way.
Ask yourself, powerful, reflective questions:
What’s the worst that could happen if I fail?
How would my life change if I succeeded beyond my wildest dreams?
Who am I trying to please, and why do I feel the need to gain their approval?
By acknowledging these fears and understanding their origins, you can start to dismantle their power over you.
It's not an overnight process, but with each step, you’ll find yourself moving closer to a more fulfilling and fearless life.
The Art of the Process
Turning the fear of failure into a chance to start over better has been a game-changer for me.
I’ve learned to see setbacks not as definitive endpoints but as valuable lessons.
Each failure is a stepping stone, a chance to refine my approach and come back stronger.
Equally important has been letting go of judgments towards my parents.
They did their best with what they had - their mindset, their beliefs, their fears.
Looking back now, I wouldn’t change a thing cause it led me to where I am today and I’m grateful for every lesson.
Understanding this has allowed me to break free from the cycle of blame and instead focus on my own growth and healing.
The art of the process is about embracing the journey, not just the destination.
It’s about recognizing that progress, no matter how small, it’s still progress.
It’s about being kind to yourself, celebrating your wins, and learning from your losses.
It’s about trusting that, even when things don’t go as planned, you’re still moving forward.
In the end, it’s not about being perfect; it’s about being persistent.
Every day is an opportunity to take a step closer to your goals, to become a little braver, a little wiser, and a lot more resilient.
Conclusion
Thank you for making it until the end. You finished what you started and I salute that. I know how hard it can be.
Strive for progress, not perfection. You can turn your fears into fuel and your setbacks into setups for a brighter, more fulfilling future.
The journey is as important as the destination.
Healthy grind, my friend.
Signed, your future self.